Anger is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. Feeling angry tells us that something is important to us. We might experience a fast heart rate, tense muscles, a hot face, or sweaty hands. Anger often impacts our decision making and we can do or say things that we regret later. All emotions are acceptable, but all behaviour is not. It is our choice on how we respond to our emotions. Unlearning or learning new ways to respond to and regulate our anger is hard work.
Anger is a secondary emotion, this means that you will always experience another emotion alongside it. The Anger Iceberg model developed by The Gottman Institute illustrates this concept well. At the top of the iceberg above the water is the emotion of anger, this is easy to see. The larger part of the iceberg sitting under the water is the other emotions that could be experienced alongside anger. For example, frustration, worry, fear, sadness, jealousy, or embarrassment. Often anger can be a mask for other emotions which are more vulnerable or we might not be as comfortable in expressing. When these underlying emotions are not addressed or become too intense this is when we can experience anger too.
The first step in being able to learn strategies to regulate our emotions is noticing and identifying them. Think back to a time when you have experienced anger, what might have been one of the secondary emotions you felt too?